If I change, will my partner?

There are three answers to this question: yes, no, maybe. The yes means that when one part of a system--the relationship--changes, the whole system is affected and the changes do occur. The no means that we cannot control the changes except for ourselves. Changing ourselves will not insure changes in others; we may change the way we perceive others and we may change in that it becomes easier to accept others. The maybe means that some changes may occur but they may not be the ones we wanted and they may not be in the desired direction. The motivation for changing ourselves cannot be to change the other. If this is the case, then we are involved in manipulative and bargaining behaviors and not with true change. Changes ourselves is hard work and requires for the changes and commitment to the process of change. When we enter into this commitment with ulterior motives and we do not gain the desired results, we may find ourselves right back in the codependent cycle: we are doing all the work, taking all the responsibility, and the reasons for our efforts are not occurring. Chances are, we will feel resentful and cheated and angry at the person who is not willing to change. We may also feel angry with ourselves. All these are destructive to the development of our own Self-Esteem, and our efforts will backfire. Change for self and not for an other. Then the change is in your control. You can only control the way you feel about yourself and your behaviors based on your feelings. The way others react to your change is totally out of your control. You many believe that if you change in a positive direction, your close relationships will also improve in a positive way. The relationship begins to fall apart or the others around you become more dysfunctional. This is a common reaction. Sometimes the deterioration of the system is short-termed and sometime the family stabilizes and becomes more functional once they get used to the change. Sometimes the opposite occurs and the relationship cannot cope with the change. This is why it is important to change for yourself, change because you have to, no matter the consequences. Many changes occur which are clearly enhance the relationship. The more dysfunctional the relationship, the more likely that it will not adapt to the change. These relationships are already at risk and creating great pain for those involved in them. If you are trying to change so that someone else will change, you are absolving them their responsibility to change and you are taking the credit for the changes that do occur. When you change yourself, you will get all the credit for the change because you did it. You did the work, you felt the pain, you stuck it out, and you achieved what you wanted to. Everyone else has the same rights--they get all the credit for their changes. You did not do it for them; they did it for themselves. Do not try to choose to change for others--it never works.

Isn't it "normal" to be insecure, jealous, possessive, depressed, or miserable

If you define normal as the norm, then the answer to this question is yes! It is normal to see the insecurity, envy, arrogance, greed, possessiveness, depression, etc, in almost all of the people that we know. Many of our dysfunctional traits and stated are what we commonly call " the human condition". Perhaps it would be more appropriate to call many of our aliments the result of the training in our Model of Doing. Too many of us have been excellent students of an inappropriate and faulty system for coping and living well. We have been taught that we are our feelings and that are not responsible for the way we are feeling. We excuse are inappropriate behaviors by saying things like, " oh well, you know how upset he or she is "or "It's not her or his fault because she's or he's having a bad time. We have been trained to believe that our feelings control us, that other people's behaviors control us and that our reactions are not under our own control. "How often do we hear you say.. You are making me angry or jealous, etc? Or "The world is making me depressed because nothing is working the way I want it to" The model of " you are what you do" not only implies that you should be able to control your destiny but that you should also be able to control others around you so that you achieve your goals. It does not teach us how to control ourselves and it does not teach us what our responsibilities are. If your goal is to be balanced, to act responsibly, to let go of the craziness of life, to learn Self-Esteem, and practice Social Interest, then you will find a small comfort in being one of many miserable people in the world. Unnecessary pain is the results from our insecurity. Insecurity is not a necessary condition of the human adult. It hampers maturity. There is enough real pain in the world that cannot be conquered. There is no need to make more pain. By learning to be secure with ourselves, we can eliminate the unnecessary pains, the "trauma dramas" of everyday life.

What is Social Interest?

Social Interest is a concept developed, which means the way in which we relate with others. It follows after Self Esteem, which is our relationship with ourselves. Social Interest flows from Self-Esteem in a natural manner because it is a human need to relate with others and to have relationships. It is critical first to learn Self-Esteem and then focus on relationship issues. The western model does not teach us to love ourselves, but to jump into loving others. We can not love some one else if we do not love ourselves. And we can not except others if we do not realize that we are worthy of loving ourselves. When we feel we are worthy we can practice Social Interest. We can do to others that we have learned to do to ourselves. We accept, we support, we encourage, we forgive, we suspend judgments, and let go when necessary. Social Interest is not about getting our own needs met through others nor is it about dependency and control issues. Social Interest is about being interested in others, and accepting of where others are and be encouraging to others. It means caring, sharing, supporting, and understanding other people as they are and not interfering or trying to change them. Being involved with others is one of our greatest challenges. Our practice is to have Self- Esteem and live with others. Relationships are our greatest joys.

What is the answer?

The question has two possible answers and two different ways to behave, depending upon your answer to the question "How do I feel about myself right now?" Answer 1: " I feel good about myself. I like what I did or thought or said. I am doing the best I can." Behavior 1: Reward yourself. Pat yourself on the back. Smile in the mirror. Buy yourself a treat. Say something nice to yourself. Say, " I did well." Answer 2: "I feel bad. I don't like what I did, said, or thought. I wish I had not done that. I'm uncomfortable about this." Behavior 2: Do not punish yourself. Do not say bad things about or to yourself. Do not allow guilt to enter. Simply plan to do something different next time: to try another behavior or thought. Remember that you need to make mistakes in order to learn. Also remember that by making mistakes and learning from them, you will be expanding your repertoire and practicing utilizing your newly learned skills. You are human--you are imperfect. You will do things that you do not like--do not feel good about. Being human means that you are allowed to make mistakes. Having Self-Esteem means that you can forgive yourself when you make mistakes. Make amends. Be sorry. And then let it go. Get on with living.

What is the Question?

Once you have decided to be on the circular Being Model and have chosen to have Self-Esteem, to love yourself and treat yourself in loving ways at all times, then there is only one relevant question. The Question is: "How do I feel about myself right now?" The question needs to be asked often, especially when we are beginning to learn to love ourselves and to practice loving behaviors toward others. The question needs to be asked after thoughts, behaviors, actions, and reactions. It needs to be substituted for "How do they feel about me?" and "What is going on here?" This question will teach you to know yourself, to trust yourself, and to focus your life on exactly what you can control and change. Next article is "What is the Answer?"

Why You Say it

By 1850, practically every Englishman knew that any person "full of beans" was bursting with energy. Without solid evidence to back the belief, every veteran horseman was sure that beans constituted a unique kind of food. An animal regularly fed on them, said tradition, was noticeably frisky and energetic. Small wonder that any lively two-legged creature seeming to have boundless energy was compared with the horse that was full of pep. Regardless of actual diet, any unusually zestful person was described as being "full of beans".

I was abused as a child --- why do I abuse myself?

Most of us have been abused emotionally: too many of us have been abused physically or sexually. Abused children tend to grow up into abusive adults. We have been taught not to value ourselves and not to take on our own needs. A script dictated that we are not worthy of being treated well, that we are "bad" and need to be punished. Our early abuse robs us of our basic integrity and awareness of our innate goodness. It teaches that we have a terrible dark side that we must be afraid of. Abuse teaches us to be afraid and not trust ourselves, that we don't deserve to be safe and loved. The script is a lose-lose situation this produces a vicious and dangerous cycle. This does not have to be a hopeless situation. The way out of this script is to realize that you do not have to live it. You do not deserve it. You can not control it. You are completely blameless. Any one who was abused must except you were a victim and that you have nothing to be ashamed of. Let go of all guilt --it is not yours. This is a critical first step. The second step is to realize that you are good. This goodness is innate---it came into the world with you and it will leave with you, unless you deny it and to act against it. Say to yourself " I am good" many times until you believe this. When you have completed these two steps you will be ready to heal yourself. The healing process begins with anger. This anger is healthy and not to be avoided. You do need to turn this anger in a constructive way. You do not need to turn this anger into abusive behavior to self or others. After anger, forgiveness occurs. The final script is becoming free. With forgiveness. You are responsible for your life. You are responsible for your own behaviors. If you continue to abuse yourself or others, now it is your fault because you know you have choices. There is no need to punish yourself or be destructive. You can love yourself, accept your dark side, forgive yourself for your mistakes. Let go of your painful past and go on with the business of living life to the best of your abilities. If you choose to continue to hate yourself, that now is your choice to behave in destructive ways, recognize that now this is your choice and not the fault of faulty training. Your inner child is now your victim. This child deserves to be loved, deserves to be safe and secure. You are the only one who can compensate for the past. What better purpose do you have for your life?

What can I do when others hate me?

Others hate us when we hurt them, without something they need or want from them, inflict pain upon them, and victimize them. People tend to hate us when they perceive us as evil or ignorant or sick. Frequently people hate us for the weakness that we show and they fear within themselves or they hate us for our strengths which they feel they lack. Sometimes they hate us for no apparent reason. There is one major difference between hating and being hated. We can learn from being hated. We can use the fact that we are hated to produce change in ourselves and we can become aware of our behaviors and their effects upon others by focusing on why we are hated. If we accept the fact we are hated, then we can consider what we want to do about this hatred. We can ask ourselves how we feel about ourselves and whether or not we feel that we deserve this reaction from them. If we can acknowledge and accept that we are doing harm to some one else, then we can choose to change our behaviors. We can begin to recognize our own insecurities that are driving us to the illusions of having power and control over others. We can learn why we feel the need to place others in a one-down or victim position. We can begin to understand why we are doing harmful things, and then we can choose to change. We can let our enemies become our teaches to positive growth. Suppose that we focus on our behaviors and we feel good about what we are doing and do not recognize the need to change. In this case we feel that we do not deserve the hatred and there is nothing we can learn from it. Accepting we are okay and that the world is not fair will help us a great deal with the injustice of being hated. Just as we have the choice and responsibility for our own hatred, so do other, If our consciences are clear, then we do not spend our time and energy worrying about others' hatred. It is really their problem and responsibility to deal with and we do not want to become victims to those who perceive themselves as our victims. This will create a lose-lose cycle for everyone. We can accept and let go. People who lack Self-Esteem will often hate us for not engaging in the Weak Ego with them. We cannot become people pleasers because we are afraid of being hated. People-pleasers are more hated then those that practice Self-Esteem. The hatred belongs to the person who feels it. The best we can do is to trust ourselves, check our consciences and how we feel about ourselves, change our destructive patterns toward others as much as we can, and let go of their hatred. We can learn to be loving first to ourselves and then towards others. and, in this way. we generate less hatred and more love in the world.

Why can't I fall in love with the "right" person?

Often in our relationships with others we mirror what is going on in our relationship with ourselves. If we are not secure with ourselves, we will fall in love with those who do not love us. If we do not believe that we are worthy of being loved, we will not be attracted to those we are worthy of being loved. We are attracted to what we think we deserve. If we think we deserve to be punished ( even at an unconscious level) we will find someone who is destructive to us. Whatever we really feel about ourselves we tend to be reflected by our relationships. If we feel positive and good about ourselves, we will have a relationship with people who feel good about themselves and about us. We do reap what we sow. Looking for the "right" person is a case in futility. there is no one right person, except you with yourself. The secret to finding them is to be compatible with yourself. Then, the healthy people will appear. Stop having expectations about what the other person will look like and do for you. Instead, focus on what you look like, what you are, and what you will do for yourself. Enjoy your own company. Practice being okay without a relationship. It is never easy to learn Self Esteem and to practice it then when you are alone. If you cannot take care of yourself when you are alone, it will be much more difficult to learn to take care of yourself when you are involved with someone else. We do have a responsibility of what we will do for ourselves and what we will give up for the relationship. This does not have to be a negative thing for our relationship. Taking care of ourselves is a good role model for others. Relationships are about balance, not about rights and obligations. Relationships are about expansion and stimulation, not about comfort. Not about standing still or staying put. They are about allowing each other to change and letting go. The best relationships are those in both which people let each other go. We can love ourselves unconditionally and we can practice trying to love our partner unconditionally. We may never achieve this goal but we can learn from our efforts. Your partner is not in the business of always adoring you. There is no one "right" partner for you but there are plenty of good people around to have healthy relationships with. But first, you must be healthy yourself so that you are ready for a good relationship with an other.

What is the question?

Once you have decided to be on the circular Being Model and have chosen to have Self-Esteem, to love yourself and treat yourself in a loving way at all times, then there is only one relevant question. The question is: "How do I feel about myself right now". This question needs to be asked often, especially when we are beginning to learn to love ourselves and to practice loving behaviors, towards ourselves. The question needs to be asked after thoughts, behaviors, actions, and reactions. It needs to be substituted for " How do I feel about me?" and "What is going on here?" This is the question that will teach you to know yourself, to trust yourself, and to focus your life on exactly what you can control and change.

What is a good relationship?

One way to think about relationships is to visualize a continuum: Narcissistic... taking.. Healthy or, Codependent.. Giving Healthy relationships exist in the middle of this continuum with flexibility to change and to move back and forth in the direction of the end points. Good relationships mean that no one is involved in the relationship ever gets to the end point in either direction and no one stays in one place, for very long. We know what a narcissists look like---these are people that can give to others but who expect others to give everything to them. These people are the epitome of self-centeredness and usually they get can others to work for them. The codependent is exact the opposite. A healthy relationship exists in the middle between too much giving and too much taking. A good relationship also comprises of mutual respect and kindness to the self and to the other. These qualities can be, and often are, more critical to the relationship than love. If love means respect and kindness, then love is critical. Too often what we define as love really means a neediness and we treat the "ones we love" without respect and without kindness. A good relationship is comprised of trust, acceptance, communication, and a genuine liking of the other person and is willing to compromise at times. There must be a recognition of the other as a separate person from ourselves, with his or her own needs and values and choices. Good relationships are not about constant closeness or constant sharing and agreement. These attributes can quickly become suffocating and boring, One reason to have relationships is to challenge ourselves into growth and development. This growth and development cannot take place in a threatening and scary environment. Good healthy relationship provides a safe, secure, encouraging place in this crazy world. We are allowed to express feelings, make mistakes, experiment, take risks, and be nurtured along the way. It also provides stimulation and sometimes a good "kick in the pants". Our society has taught us that sexual attraction and addiction to the other are the critical components for our relationships. It has also taught us that the purpose is to get our needs met through the other. The way to get past this way of thinking is that the most important relationship is what you have with yourself. All your other relationships will follow from that--you can never have a better relationship with someone else is with yourself. No one can love you the way you want to be loved; no one else can fill you needs.

Heart on One's Sleeve

Where do we get the expression "wearing one's heart on one's sleeve? From chivalry. It was the custom among the knights of old to tie a kerchief, scarf, or other favor from a lady on the sleeve. Since this indicated the state of the man's heart he was said to wear his "heart" on his sleeve.

Why am I so possessive?

Being possessive of things or of people is another way to demon starting our own insecurities. It means we are trying to fulfill our own from external sources. We become possessive when we are unsure of ourselves and need others or things to convince us we are unsure of ourselves and need others to do things to convince us of our self worth. We have been taught that our worth is determined by what we possess and what we focus on external rather than internal possessions. We become possessive of someone else's love when we do not know how to love ourselves. We become collectors of things when we do not feel convinced that we are not enough. Everything outside of ourselves in not ours. It may be a loan to us for a period of time but it is not ours to keep. When we are possessive , we often try to keep things, to cling to them. The paradox here is clinging to something results to losing it. Possessiveness fosters jealousy and jealousy destroys what is what it purports to love. It is very difficult to act in a loving way and to encourage growth when we are afraid of losing the object of that so-called love. Possessive love is not real love, rather it describes real need. It becomes a burden and stops from loving ourselves. The only way to stop becoming possessive, of others and of things, is to take care of your own needs to be loved and esteemed. Stop perceiving the world through self-centered eyes. You are not the center of anything except yourself. The next time you feel possessive of someone, the next time you want someone to reassure you, try doing it yourself. Let the people and things you love be. Do not expect them to fill your needs. the paradox here: the less possessive , the more love you will be. The less possessive you are, the more they will want to be around you. Remember, you can not be possessive and also have Self-Esteem. Possessiveness is about needs; Self-Esteem. is about love and choices. Possessiveness is a prison; Self-Esteem is freedom. Which do you choose?

Questions to ask Self?

Our experience of self. Theories of human nature must be applicable to everyday life. How do we perceive our nature? What do our life experiences tell us about our body and mind? What are our major struggles in actualizing our potential? Why do we have feelings? These are some of the questions that need to be addressed. One way of understanding our true nature is to reflect on our daily life experiences and to think about the choices that are open to us. Next article will come shortly.

Happy Valentine's Day

Moon Struck A person in love is likely to act just as crazy as a lunatic--and the ancient Romans believed the "moon" made men mad. A bit of history, for fun. I hope this is a special time and will be all the time through out the year, and years to come. Blessed are we all.

I've been doing this all my life: why change now?

Because it no longer works. We do not change when life is working for us. Why only change when something is wrong. The problem with the Doing Model is that it works for awhile. When it stops working, we tend to believe that something is wrong with us and not with the model. Usually, when we are feeling good about our lives and about ourselves, we are not seeking change. When we are looking for new answers, something is not working, Timing is everything and we all have our own time. We will feel the need to change only when it is our own time to change. We will know when this time occurs because we will be in pain. If we are not in pain but are merely curious about learning the new Model of Being, most likely we will not change. Curiosity is not a good incentive for change. Pain is. If this is not the time for you to change, accept yourself for being where you are. If this is your time to change, know that will also be painful but that the pain will change and this is the cleansing and leads to growth. Growth is development and development means letting go of things that have worked before but not now. Development means learning new things that are strange and sometimes frightening. Let go of the idea that there is something wrong with you because you no longer function in the same ways that you always have before. No one else can decide when it is your time to change. You will change and the new tools will make sense when, and only when, it is your time. You may be experiencing feeling stuck; you want to change, but nothing is happening. During these times, it is easy to get frustrated and go back to the previous training. You may become goal oriented and feel you have failed because you cannot achieve your goal. Change is inevitable but it is not in your total control. Neither is your timing. When you are stuck and do not understand why, the best thing to do is accept yourself as stuck and practice loving yourself in your stuck place. This is not easy but it works. Eventually you will not remain stuck. You will move forward and the change will occur. Do not get caught up in blame of why it has taken you so long to change. Blaming yourself for what you cannot control will throw you back into Weak Ego. Where you are is where you are. You will always change. You cannot control timing. You can change in the ways you will change. Accept your timing just as you have learned to accept yourself. You are closer to your time for change than you realize.

What is a "Natural High"?

A Natural High is the end product from having Self-Esteem and Social Interest. Natural Highs are pure unadulterated joy of being. They reflect the love you have for yourself and the love you feel toward others. There is no other high in the world. This occurs when you feel connected with the universe and when you feel that you are a part of the whole. They occur when you recognize your own goodness and the goodness of others and the beauty that exists in the world. They occur spontaneously and sometimes in the strangest places at the oddest hours. They never occur when you are focused on the past. They require your presence in the moment. They do not occur because you want them to and they do not happen when you are working toward them. They are not the goal but the gift from God. The best way to experience Natural Highs is to practice Self-Esteem and Social Interest all of the time. This is how to be ready for them and to experience when it happens. Natural Highs cannot happen to you if you are under the influence of artificial high. When you are artificially high, you are trying to control feeling good and are dependent on something outside of yourself to make you feel good. Natural Highs are about feeling good from being and are not in your control. By accepting what you are, your humanness, by letting go of your needs and craziness, be experiencing the wonder of yourself and of others and by living in the moment without judgment or criticism, you leave yourself open to the Natural High. You are what you are. So be it. You are also more. So be it. Let go with love. You will experience your Natural High. You will be one with the Universe. You will belong. You will know your goodness and your Godliness.

How can I stop abusing alcohol? Drugs? Food? Sex? Others? Myself?

Abuse is always an addictive behavior. We abuse things in order to stop the pain of life and to make us momentarily feel better--stronger, more in control--or to escape from the reality of our lives. Because abusive behavior gives us a sense of control or fosters the illusion of escape for the moment, we repeat the behavior. But abuse always generates guilt and guilt produces a vicious circle. It is like a snake with its tail in its mouth. We do something that we know is wrong or bad, then we feel guilty about it and this feeling of guilt is a panacea. At first, we are relieved that we are feeling guilty because that means that we are not bad people because we have learned that "bad people" do not feel guilt. But after awhile the guilt keeps growing and the pain of the guilt becomes intolerable. The we begin to externalize and justify our guilt. we say things like: "I wouldn't have done that if he/she had not done what they did". They just don't understand me. All too soon our rationalizations or defenses begin to sound so reasonable and our behavior justified, that we do it again. This is the vicious circle of addiction, guilt, justification, and more addiction. This is the circular snake. All addictions, all abuse of self or others, have one thing in common. They are a product of insecurity about yourself. They are all a way to try to externalize your lack of love to yourself. You cannot love yourself and behave in loving ways to yourself and abuse yourself. All, abuse, all addictions are first and foremost, self-centered. They mean that you are perceiving the world only through your eyes of your needs. The mean that your insecurities, your weak ego, are so powerful they totally control your behaviors. Replace a "bad" with a "good" addiction. The abusive behaviors are replaced with a constructive behavior, support groups, example. They give you something else to focus upon and they give you a place to spend your time and energy. The groups give you support and you are in an encouraging environment. Your do not have to be strong to in order to conquer your addiction. You do not have to be perfect. You need to learn about self-esteem. By accepting you as you are, the group teaches you to accept yourself. By encouraging you to be the best you can be, the support groups become a positive role model for self-love.

Boundaries

Respect and protection for your feelings, your health and your well-being are almost always an issue when you need to set Boundaries. Calling as it does for drawing lines and setting limits, that this might be a time to provide yourself with healthy and appropriate Boundaries within which you can heal. Perhaps the challenge you are now facing requires the courage to say no to something that no longer has a place in your life. Boundaries and walls are different. As you will decide what to accept and what to reject, you will learn to live feeling protected, and yet free of walls. There can be an affirmation: Setting appropriate limits creates freedom. Cherish your ability to do this, since good Boundaries are essential to developing healthy feelings about yourself. Healthy Boundaries always bear witness to the fact that someone has courageously undertaken the journey from Denial to Honesty. When we were younger, the word "boundary" meant limitation. With the maturity of time, we can recognize that good Boundaries create safe harbors in which to change, to heal and to grow. This might be a timely reminder to run a reality check. Are the Boundaries you have established being recognized and respected? On the other hand, are you being sensitive in respecting Boundaries of those you love and those with whom you work: your family, your friends, your colleagues and especially your children? Like well tended gardens, sound Boundaries need attention and care, for without well-maintained Boundaries, there can be no safe passage to a new life? Let it be said this way: Family values crumble and fall away without the support of healthy Boundaries. In the absence, our ability to teach our children to respect us and each other is weakened. Good Boundaries provide a shade tree, a learning tree, under which our children and our children's children will gather the knowledge that they will then pass on to future generations.

Abba, Father

Calling God "Abba" is rooted in Jesus' agony in the Garden of Gethsemane: "And he said. 'Abba, Father, all things are possible for You. Abba was an ordinary family word of Jesus' day. It conveyed intimacy, tenderness, dependence, and complete lack of fear or anxiety. Modern English equivalents would be Daddy or Papa. And Jesus instructed His disciples to use this word in their prayers as well. We are empowered to speak to God just as a small child speaks to His father. Remember this in your prayers. Also, remember this with your earth father this up coming "Father's Day".. he is special to be in your life...let him know this.

Blessings!

Why can't life be fair?

The reality that life is not fair seems to be one of the most difficult and painful concepts for most to accept. Perhaps the reason for this is that our western linear model implies that it is a fair world and if you work hard enough and long enough, you will achieve your goals. Perhaps the ideas behind the creation of the USA, the values of equality and fairness for all, have led us to assume that this is the way the world should work. Whatever the reasons, the fact remains that we want the world to be fair. We want to be able to depend on something concrete and we want some guarantees for our safety, and well-being. The fact that these guarantees do not exist does not stop us from wanting them. Many of our defense mechanism, our illusions, and our denials have to do with not accepting the fact that life is unfair. Life is not fair because "fairness" is a value judgment. This means that what is fair is subjective -- it changes according to who is rating what and why and when. What is fair to me today may no longer be fair tomorrow or in different circumstances or around different people. An example: the promotion that I worked hard for but was given to you, is not fair to me but very fair according to your perspective. And even if you agree with me that it was not fair, next month you will justify the fairness of it by believing you are doing a good job. The importance of this concept that life is not fair is not in the explanation of it but the acceptance. The question, "Why not.? is a crazy making one. There will always be reasons why life should be fair to you and you may spend hours defending, denying, fighting, or being depressed because something unfair has happened again. The big issues of unfairness, the life-and death- issues will never be explained in a way that makes sense. There is no answer to the why question when some one you love is dying. We know the how-cancer, heart disease, another disease, accident-but we will never know the why. And pondering the why causes dysfunctional behavior. This is a very different process accepting and grieving. Grief eventually ends; it is a natural process accepting and grieving Wondering why may never end; it is unproductive. At some point, we must let go of the why, accept the reality, and get on with living. Trying to make the world fair is both destructive and self-defeating. Many good-natured people run around trying to fix the unfairness of it all. Some of these we call codependents and living martyrs, and very few saints. Codependents and living martyrs tend to be filled with anger, resentments, envy, and insecurity. The non-acceptance of this concept creates bitterness, unhappiness, unnecessary pain and prevents the possibility of growth. This is truly unfair! The paradox here is that the acceptance of the reality that life is unfair often leads to behaviors which are more objective, more loving, and caring, and more realistic than the behaviors of the non-accepting. These accepting ones are often perceived as more "fair" than those who are trying to force the world to be fair.

Am I Codependent?

The following checklist is offered as a tool to aid self-evaluation.

DENIAL PATTERNS: Codependents... Have difficulty identifying feelings. Minimize, alter or deny their feelings. Perceive themselves as being completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others.

LOW SELF-ESTEEM PATTERNS: Codependents... Have difficulty making decisions. Judge their thoughts, works and actions harshly, as never being good enough. Are embarrassed to receive recognition, praise, or gifts. Are unable to ask others to meet their needs or wants. Value other people's approval of their thoughts, feelings and behaviors over self-approval.

COMPLIANCE PATTERNS: Codependents.... Compromise their values and integrity to avoid rejection and other people's anger. Are very sensitive to others' feelings and assume the same feelings. Are extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long. Place a higher value on others' opinions and are afraid to express differing viewpoints or feelings. Put aside personal interests and hobbies to do what others want. Accept sex as a substitute for love.

CONTROL PATTERNS: Codependents... Believe most others are incapable of caring for themselves. Attempt to convince others what they should think or feel. Become resentful when others refuse their offers of help. Freely offer advice and guidance without being asked. Lavish gifts and favors on those they care about. Use sex to gain approval and acceptance. Have to be needed in order to have a relationship with others. I know this can be helpful in any situation.

Blessings!

Father's Day Love Letter Format

This is a great time to let your Dad, no matter what age, to know those important feelings that are needed in every day life. I have created a simple format that can be put into any place that a Father can have to remember "just how important they are". Enjoy doing this.

Dear _____________, I am writing you this letter to express the positive feelings you deserve. I love ______________________ I appreciate ________________ I realize ___________________ I forgive ___________________ Thank you ___________________ I would like ________________ I trust _____________________

Love, ______________________

Think it through, fill in the most important words you can mean. This is better than any gift ever!

Happy Father's Day to all!

In Love, Light, & Life,

Dyanne Yellowlight-Anderson

A CO-DEPENDENT PERSON/ A HEALTHY PERSON

A CO-DEPENDANT PERSON When I FEEL Responsible FOR Others....... I fix protect rescue need to be NEEDED control carry their feelings don't listen don't know where I end & you begin I feel......... TIRED anxious fearful liable I am concerned with: the solution the answers the circumstances with being right the details the performance I am a manipulator I expect the OTHER person to live up to MY EXPECTATIONS. I am TIRED OF SEARCHING FOR me in ALL THE WRONG PLACES. I am TIRED of looking for LOVE in all the WRONG PLACES. A HEALTHY PERSON When I Feel Responsible TO Others..... I SHOW EMPATHY I encourage I share I confront I level I am sensitive I listen I CARE I FEEL..... RELAXED I am FREE I am AWARE I have HIGH SELF-ESTEEM I AM CONCERNED WITH: relating PERSON to PERSON with FEELINGS with the PERSON I believe that if I just share myself, the other person has enough to make it. I am HONEST I am a helper-guide I expect people to BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THEMSELVES AND FOR THEIR OWN ACTIONS. I CAN TRUST AND LET GO. I CAN LOVE AND BE LOVED. I am growing SPIRITUALITY BECAUSE I AM ALLOWING GOD/DIVINE to be MY GUIDE!

My services are available for guidance... CALL (928)468-2247.

Dyanne Yellowlight

What is the meaning of life?

The only way to deal with this question therapeutically rather than philosophically is to the qualify the question to either "What is the meaning of my life? or "What is the meaning of life for me?" By personalizing the question, we have changed it significantly from something abstract and out of our control to something more concrete and manageable for ourselves. Each of us now has a choice about what we consider important and how we prioritize the essentials of our own life. The meaning of life, because of its subjective nature, must be found within each person. The answer cannot be found in the externals. It cannot be found in another person. Unfortunately, it cannot be handed to us, either in book or therapy. The best that another person can do is to function as a guide, to point out new directions and perhaps provide some new materials which may lead to insight. Others may help us learn new perspectives and present choices that we may not have thought of by ourselves. The answer to discovering the meaning of your life lies in the exploration of yourself. You give meaning to your life. The unexplored life is not life; at best, it is only part of a life. This exploration of yourself--your life--well may be your life's work. It is difficult, painful, and requires great courage. In order to explore who you are and what your life is about, you must be willing to acquire objective "eyes" to really see yourself. This means that you must let go of the myths, illusions, and expectations that have accompanied you and helped you avoid the pain of living. You must be willing to "ride the pain" and drop your defenses. This is hard work, and like most explorations, involves commitment, encouragement, and energy. Along the way you will learn the art of living. First towards yourself and, later, towards others. The result of this exploration of yourself and your life is that you will learn the art of being whole, of being balanced. All aspects of you--mental, emotional, spiritual, and interactive--are in harmony and work together. You become more at peace with yourself and with your world. In the process of exploring your life, it helps to begin by looking for the meanings of life in the small, everyday acts of courage that are always present. Recognizing that life is lived in the moment, the here and now, and not in the past or future helps. It takes time and courage to stop "time jumping" from the past to future and to stay focused in the present. The meaning of life is found in understanding of the concepts of paradox, practice, and humor. Life is paradoxical, on all levels, and is the answer into securing life. This life is the rehearsal for what is to follow. And rehearsals are process which allows making mistakes in order to learn. If you are lucky and have good direction, you will receive encouragement while you are learning. The rehearsing--the process-- become our performance. Living means practicing just as life means process. The third concept, humor, provides the bridge that allows us to live with the contradictions of life and death, sanity and insanity, good and evil. By using humor, by laughing at ourselves and with others, we can learn that life is not that serious, not that important, and not unbearable. Try this and you will begin to learn to be your "authentic self". This allows us the become the "Essence of our Imperfection". Start today.. you are worth it!

In Love, Light, & Life,

Dyanne Yellowlight

Who am I?

This question may be considered "the" question of our experience. It may be answered on many levels, as any answer would contain some combination of philosophical, ethical, spiritual, or behavioral perspectives. We are, in part, our training and experience, in part our hopes and accomplishments and failures and, in part, connected to some higher power of force. We know we have body, mind, and soul and we often ask this question in references to one of these aspects of ourselves. We tend to define ourselves in terms of how we look, what we think and know, how we feel, and what we do. Usually, we have difficulty in combining all our parts into a cohesive whole. When this question is asked in therapy, there is always some pain. The therapeutic answer must go beyond the externals -- the roles that each of us assume, our physical appearance, our education, our status and financial worth, our ability to relate with others, and so on--to the underlying reason for asking this question. Almost always, the motivation for questioning who you are is related to the amount of insecurity that you feel. Insecurity is at the heart of ALL emotional dysfunctions and is highly correlated to physical ailments and spiritual anxieties. Insecurity means doubting yourself which, in turn, produces the inability to trust who and what you are which then results in not knowing yourself. If you do not know and you do not trust, how can you love? Yourself or others? Insecurity then can be defined as low or no "Self-Esteem", as Self-Esteem implies loving of self. Most of us search for the answer to "who am I?" by looking for the differences between ourselves and others. We compare, we criticize, we judge, and we wonder why we feel so lost. The answers to finding ourselves, paradoxically, occur when we find the similarities we share with others. This is "Social Interest". The more you can relate to the sameness you share with someone else, the more belongingness you can feel. The more encouragement you give and take, the more security you achieve. Therefore, the antidotes to the reasons for asking the first question are found in the development of Self-Esteem and Social Interest. The ways and means to develop these two attributes will be found in the answers to the following questions..... which I will discuss in the next coming articles...

WHAT IS THE MEANING OF LIFE? This is the next question with others to follow in each continuing article. Keep posted, and together we can figure out the authenticity of who you are. "Keep coming back to learn because it works, and your are worth it!"

In Love, Light, & Life,

Dyanne Yellowlight

What can be seen for Ourselves and those we Love? What is Self-Esteem? #500-1 (7-22-04)

Many things WILL be changing very fast now so that we can all move forward into the destiny of Spirit in wholeness. It is time that the "Essence of our Imperfection" be dealt with and healed. What can you and those in your circle of souls do? Take TIME each and everyday to go inside yourselves and feel what makes the soul of yours feel disconnected. (I know everyone has too much in their life right now, however, one MUST make the room for this healing IF they want to have change in their life...rule of Spirit). Anything that leaves one to feeling out of control, frustrated, angry, hopeless, depressed, sad, lonely, wronged, etc. It does not matter the emotion. It matters that what is there is real to you and your identity and must be faced, cleansed, and healed. Staying in the NOW and PRESENT is the only way to deal with getting beyond this time. The ego will not like this position, however, it will learn to identify with the Authentic Self as you heal and enjoy this new part of the developing self. Just KNOW than many earth shaking things will appear in all our lives to open us to more consciousness. Do not fear or be afraid, just be prepared. (Staying in the Present-Awake).

I am going to talk on Self-Esteem and shed some light on this mis-taught concept. What is Self-Esteem? There are many definitions of Self-Esteem and what they all have in common is the concept of esteeming yourself. This translates to loving yourself, respecting yourself, putting yourself first, and meeting YOUR needs. Self-Esteem is the placement of yourself in very high regard. This means that you not only love yourself but that you ACT LOVINGLY toward yourself at all times. The best and the simplest way to think of having Self-Esteem is to imagine that you love someone very much, that you are always pleased to see them and to talk with them, that spending time with this person is what you most want doing, that you think of them lovingly and try to do the things to please them. Your beloved is the most important person in the world to you and you will do anything and everything that they know this. Now put yourself in the ROLE of the beloved and act exactly the same way to yourself. This is Self-Esteem.

Loving yourself and taking care of yourself are the exact opposite of what we have been taught to think and do. We have been trained to esteem others and external variables and to measure our self-worth by what we have or by how much we are loved. This is the definition of Weak Ego: our worth and esteem are dependent on something outside of ourselves and, therefore, outside our control. When we feel that our esteem is based on having someone else love us, or having the right job, or making enough money, or being "successful", we are putting ourselves at high risk for insecurity and eventual feeling of failure. All things external to self are temporary. They are not ours and we cannot keep them. When we entrust our feelings about ourselves to these external vairables, when we feel esteemed because we are loved or in the right place at the right time, what happens when things change and we lose our loved ones or our job changes? Our feelings of esteem for ourselves go with the externals that are leaving us. And we are left feeling abandoned and depressed and without worth. This is insanity even though it is the "normal" way of being. Everything changes. Why risk our esteem to something out of our control! Remember... we can only control our feelings about ourselves and our behaviors based on our feelings. If we choose to love ourselves and to behave lovingly toward others, if we choose to have Self-Esteem, than we have control over ourselves. We do not have to risk losing our own, esteem, ever. If it gets lost, it is because it is coming from Ego... false identity, not the Authentic God Self. The true test of Self-Esteem is to have everything go wrong for us, to have this crazy world turn upside down and to lose all things of value, and to STILL love ourselves and to know we are loved. (Wow, sound scary? Not really) To treat ourselves in the most gentle, nurturing, loving way when we are in difficulty or pain just as we would treat another person who is hurting--this is having and practicing Self-Esteem.

Get going TODAY and START NOW. You will be glad you did for yourself, and will be the example for others to follow. Bless all in this crazy earth walk, which by the way CAN and WILL be mastered. So why wait? My guidance is available. Until next time.

In Love, Light, Life,

Dyanne Yellowlight

The Passion of Mothers Day

"To all the Mothers in the world, I pray you have a very special day. You are special to so many lives each minute of the day. I honor all of you in your many struggles to balance yourselves in these very stressful times. Know that your spirit is what builds the new in all that is around you. Renew yourselves this day and each day for the rest of your earth life. Open yourself to the love that God has bestowed upon you. You owe it to yourself to put yourself to the top of your daily list. I believe this says it all as we always will have a child in our hearts no matter how old we are. Mothers Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children." ~ William M. Thackery

In Love, Light, & Life,

Dyanne Yellowlight

Are You Ready to Make the Positive Shifts?

It is very important at this time to "learn" to stay in the "now'. What does this mean? It will mean that what is happening in your life at this moment is what is reality. If what you are experiencing is connected to anything that is either in your past or your future thinking (of course, it will be connected to either) then you pull that thought into the present. It is not "why" is this happening? It is that it "is" happening and "what" am I going to do about it? We all have choices to do whatever we want about a situation, feeling, or experience. The most important thing to do is to "love" yourself, the other people in your situation , and the world for the way it is. When you allow this process to happen, then you allow yourself the forgiveness. This allows others to have the same forgiveness to do what they need to do for themselves in their growth. This then allows the world to be the best place for the humaness of each person to break away from the box of negativity. Staying in the "now" will transcend the self into the flow of the Divine Energy with the Divine Grand Plan of God. It is called the "Power of Now". This is the only way to the freedom that will allow one to face the imperfection that one "feels" when one learns to stay in the "now" of self. Of course, in time one will learn to "love" the "essence of one's imperfection" as God does. So much will come from this point of acceptance. We are deeply into the time of the "now". Are you? This is one of the "gifts" I have been given through much self work to beable to pass onto you. I can help you open those precious doors of freedom for you. Through guidance and hard work, you will return to your "Authentic Self". I am so glad that God is Blessing all of us. I pray for the "Power of Now" for all the world to use. I am all moved, settled, and ready to resume the work I love most... being a Guide to You. Until next time.....

In Love, Light, & Life,

Dyanne Yellowlight

Turkey/Amen (11-16-03)

Turkey....How did our native American bird get the name "turkey"? Guinea hens and cocks were first imported into England from Africa by way of the Turkish dominions - and so were called "Turkey" cocks and hens. When the American bird was introduced it was confused with the African and given the same name. Then, when a distinction between the two birds was finally established and the names differentiated, "turkey" was erroneously retained for the American bird instead of the African.

Amen.... What is the real meaning of "Amen"? "Amen" is generally accepted as meaning "so be it." But in the Hebrew language, from which it comes, amen literally means "truly." When we use the word at the end of a prayer or hymn we assert its truth and sincerity. "Amen" is also the last word in the Bible.

We are fast coming to "Turkey Day."

May we all remember to be "thankful" for our spiritual connection to Infinite/Divine/God, our families, our friends, and the Blessings we have in our lives. Remember...."Amen." I am coming to you, and maybe you need to be coming to me for guidance...see you next time.

In Love,Light,& Life,

Dyanne Yellowlight

OUIJA BOARD / MOTHER EARTH (10-30-03)

Welcome all !!!

I am Dyanne Yellowlight, and I am going to bring to you some fun, interesting, and different information.

OUIJA BOARD: How did the "ouija board" get that name? "Ouija" means "yes, yes." The name is a compound of the French oui and the German ja and no doubt is derived from the fact that the "ouija board" agrees with its operators; it is a mechanical "yes man." The next time you use the "ouija board" remember that YOU are using your own power with it. Of course, a spirit or two could be helping you along. Always listen to the Infinite/Divine/God that is within your heart and soul for the clearest answers for your situation... "go within". I can help you to become very clear in knowing "how" to connect to your Authentic Self. Go to my web page "Clairvoyant Readings", to see how I work...... See you soon.

MOTHER EARTH: Why do we speak of the Earth as "great Mother Earth"? Among almost all peoples the Earth was at one time reverenced as the "mother" of all. The Romans, for instance tell a story of how the two sons Tarquinius, together with Junius Brutus, asked Delphic Oracle which one of them would succeed to the throne of Rome. The oracle replied, "He who shall first kiss his mother". The two sons of Tarquinius raced home to find their mother but Junius Brutus fell to the ground, "Thus I kiss thee, oh Earth, great mother of us all". He became king. We really need to become kinder to our Earth. What can you do starting TODAY to help our planet, your family, and yourself?

Remember, we are ALL connected as one. Infinite/Divine/God is BLESSING you !!!! I am coming to you from my heart of my soul to help you create the "ESSENCE OF YOUR IMPERFECTION". Let me show and guide you to your highest vibrations in all aspects of your life. See you soon.

IN LOVE, LIGHT, & LIFE,

DYANNE YELLOWLIGHT

Halloween-Real or Myth? (10-22-03)

WELCOME ALL !!!!

I am Dyanne Yellowlight, and TODAY I am going to bring to you some light FUN information.

Did you ever wonder "How did "Halloween" come to be so called? The old Celtric calendar began on November 1st and, therefore, October 31st was the New Year's Eve-the night on which witches and hobgoblins; (anything causing superstitious fear, a mischievious goblin--a sprite) rode about for one last fling. With the introduction of Christianity the old New Year's Day became "All Saints' Day"; or "All Hallows' E'en." Though the name was changed, the customs--and the belief that witches rode on this night persisted and have come down to this day. The dictionary states; "Witch"...a person, especially a woman, who professes or is SUPPOSED to practice sorcery, an ugly old woman.... INFORMAL, (interesting).... an enchanting or charming woman. So, IF this a day that goes along with your "SPIRITUAL" belief and you celebrate... then being a unique witch, an ugly one, or even an charming one could prove to be MOST interesting. If you DO celebrate...... the witch is the orginial portrayal to be. WHATEVER you do.... BE SAFE, BE SMART, KNOW WHAT YOU ARE DOING, AND HAVE FUN!!!!

Remember, we are on the journey of LIFE and to SELF discovery every minute of our LIFE. DIVINE/INFINITE/GOD is Blessing you in all ways. I am coming to you, and maybe you should be coming to me for GUIDANCE. See YOU next time.

In Love, Light, & Life,

DYANNE YELLOWLIGHT

Grief

Welcome All !!!!!!......

I am Dyanne Yellowlight, and I am going to bring to you thoughts and inspirations on many words and feelings. These feelings or words could be gifts into your LIFE of HEALING, MOVEMENT, and TRANSITION. We all know we are in difficult times. Yet, the difficult times are the gifts to our transending to the "ESSENCE OF OUR IMPERFECTION"..........Read on !!!!!!!!! The next feeling we will open to is: "GRIEF"...The dictionary states: "Keen mental suffering over afflication or loss; a cause of such suffering; mourning, sorrow, woe".

"SPIRITUALITY GRIEF" is one of DIVINE/GOD'S greatest gift's to us. When we have this feeling we are being asked to look at our HEART and to take care of it. For in the HEART we are being asked to look at wounds that have NOT been HEALED, and the present "GRIEF" that is upon the self is being asked to be healed. It does not matter if the "GRIEF" is new or past. What matters is that the time has come to ALLOW self to feel the sadness, the sorrow, the loss that is bringing so much pain unto one's LIFE. Whatever has not been truely mourned..... lost childhood, lost parnet, lost friend, lost dreams, lost relationship, lost animal, lost SELF, etc....... allow yourself to feel this "GRIEF" and embrace it..... go through it. Only in our PASSION and DEPTH of our "GRIEF" can we once again come ALIVE to see the value of ourselves and the LIFE we want to LIVE. What can bring you through your "GRIEF" today? Reach out to whatever comes from the inspirational sound of the DIVINE/GOD in you...... PRAYER, SILENCE, ETC. Maybe you can not hear or see at this time.

I suggest to you to take yourself in this form: "EVENTHOUGH I FEEL ___________________, I COMPLETELY, DEEPLY, AND TOTALLY EXCEPT MYSELF, AND I KNOW THAT THE DIVINE/GOD IS HEALING ME".

Remember, "GRIEF" shows itself in many ways. Yes, REGRET is a form of "GRIEF". How are you handling this in your every DAY LIFE? How are you helping others? Your family? What have you left unsaid? There is always a time to think of the amends that might need to be said. We are responsible in our SPIRIT for the wronged we have done to SELF and OTHERS, and when this comes to our attention, that is the time to do something about it. Accept ourselves for our IMPERFECTION, and when we clear our HEART of the wronged to SELF and OTHERS.....THEN we are into our "ESSENCE OF OUR IMPERFECTION". What about the "WHAT IF'S", and the missed opportunities? Grieve, accept, and move on. Maybe you've "GRIEVED" too long? Accept, turn it over, and allow the DIVINE/GOD to heal your HEART. The DIVINE/GOD always has the restoration of peace, excietment, desire, and living the true moment of LIFE every moment we are ALIVE there for us to capture. Won't you recapture your's TODAY? DIVINE/GOD is Blessing YOU !!!!!! I am coming to YOU, SHOULDN'T YOU be coming to ME for GUIDANCE?...........

IN LOVE, LIGHT, & LIFE, DYANNE YELLOWLIGHT

Welcome All...

I am Dyanne Yellowlight, and I am going to bring to you thoughts and inspiration on many feelings and words. These words or feelings could be gifts into your life of healing, movement, and transition. We all know that we are in difficult times. Yet, these difficulties are the gifts to our transcending to the essence of our imperfection... read on ....

The first feeling we will open into is : "Hope" ... the dictionary states: "The feeling that what is wanted can be had or the events will turn out for the best; a person in whom or thing in which expectations are centered".

"Spirituality Hope", is one of Divine/God's greatest gifts to us. It is a light that never fails, a burning desire that moves one forward. In each of our lives we have moments that we lose hope. Was it a lost love? A lost job? A lost child? A lost health? Whatever it is that takes the illusion of hope away, it is the same energy that can restore hope back to each of us in a minute. In each life we have a time when something that has us against the wall, can recognize and mastered, that transforms our life forever. It does not matter the reason, as divine/ God works with each of us in a way we can learn, and once we surrender, hope will restore the positiveness that we can have a new beginning!

What can bring you to hope today? Reach out to whatever comes from the inspirational sound of the Divine/God in you. Maybe you cannot hear or see it at this time. I suggest to you to take this to yourself in the form "Even Though I Feel ________________, I completely, deeply and totally except myself, and I know that the Divine/God is healing me". You see, it is the unconditional love of self and acceptance of our imperfection that allows us to move forward. The Divine/God energy already does love and accept us. It is each of us that needs the lessons of the human experience to come to our essence in our imperfection. Embrace your situation as an opportunity, and bind it with faith.

Hope, is our friend on our life path, that tells you... "All will be OK, keep going on, you are through the worst, the light has been restored".

Staying in the present, at the moment of inspiration, instead of going into the future or the past, will give you direction onto the transformation and the healing of your situation. It is difficult work, yet... it is the only work that will heal, and allow self to come to the unconditional love that is needed to be free of the destruction of our imperfected thoughts, and habits. We can love ourselves, and others as the Divine/God desires for us individually and a nation.

We all have known time of hopelessness and despair. We must give up the "old" ways that keep coming into our lives, and realize that we cannot continue to live the way of self-destruction.
"Hope" is one of the many ways that Divine/God is loving us, and brings this into our lives to use it to our highest.

God is blessing you!!!!

See you next time...

In Love, Light & Life,
Dyanne Yellowlight